A Most Delicate Question

Dear Miss Moo,

I'm a handsome, active young fellow who's got a bright future ahead of me.  I've found my myself a cozy place to crash with decent grub and mostly cooperative humans.  I've been building up my street cred lately with the other toms, and I've got my eye on a couple of sweet young things across the alley.  Life is a bowl of sardines.

So what could go wrong?  My humans and their strange notions.  I mean, a guy has to mark his territory don't he?    What's all the fuss about?  My humans have been spraying stinky stuff all over the house and yelling at me for three days straight .  Sheesh.  

Then, last night, they said they were going to get me noodered.  I think it has something to do with THE VET or maybe a Chinese restaurant.  Either way, I'm pretty apprehensive.  How do I get them off my back and keep away from  THE VET?

Peewee in Peoria

Dear Peewee,

Miss Moo notes with pleasure that you have used the proper form of address with your elder and better this time around. She pauses here to caution her Gentle Readers that she does not respond to inquiries which do not include her proper title. And Miss Moo applauds your persistence, Peewee, in resubmitting your question for a second time, amended to reflect her status.

Now, to continue and to address your predicament. I gather from your phrase "all over the house" that you have been marking your territory indoors.  Here I must caution you that this is not necessary or even desirable.  You see, humans have an odd aversion to territorial markings when applied indoors.  This is peculiar to their species, and a subject of much interest in the feline scientific community.  Until a cure is found, you'll simply have to refrain from marking your territory inside the house or else face the consequences.

It pains Miss Moo to inform you that those consequences do involve the vet's office.  I will not go into details, except to say that there sometimes comes a time when one must part company with those things one finds most precious in this life.  Should you continue with your current indoor territorial marking pursuits, you may find yourself minus two of those things, compliments of the vet.

Miss Moo trusts you will choose your course wisely, and that she will not receive future correspondence from you signed "Snipped in Schenectady".

Miss Moo