Hang on to your seat

Dear Miss Moo,

My naps have been most rudely interrupted lately by my human.  He unceremoniously picks me up out of my comfy chair without so much as a "by your leave" and dumps me onto the floor!   Doesn't he appreciate that I'm exhausted after keeping my eye on those sneaky squirrels outside the window all day -- and then amusing him for fifteen whole minutes at a stretch?

I need my beauty sleep.  My fur is losing some of its luster -- and my tail is beginning to droop a little.  What's a girl to do?  Please help!

Seatless in Seattle

Dear Seatless,

Miss Moo deduces from your excessive use of exclamation points and dashes that you are young and have not yet attained the convex silhouette so admired in the fair sex of our species.   Rest assured that when you do, your troubles will be all but over.  Humans, you see, are reluctant to do any heavy lifting and will avoid it if at all possible.  Miss Moo herself has attained such magnificent girth that no human would dare risk his back to forcibly remove her from where she wishes to be. 

Until you have gained weight sufficient to deter your human from evicting you from your chosen spot, Miss Moo counsels you to dig your claws deeply into the comfy chair and hold on with all your might.  Your human may tire of the struggle and surrender the seat to you.  But do work on your figure, my dear.  Ham and whipped cream are highly recommended.

Miss Moo

Independent Claws

Dear Miss Moo,

I've been having trouble with my humans lately. They just don't seem to appreciate my need for needle-sharp claws. They fuss at me and throw things at me whenever I sharpen my claws on the arm of the sofa or the leg of the dining room table. Just yesterday, they threatened to trim my claws! Yikes! How can I get them to calm down and come round?

Soon to be Clawless in Cleveland

Dear Clueless -- er Clawless,

Our humans can, on occasion, become inordinately attached to some of our possessions. It's no use arguing with them, poor creatures. Logic is wasted on them. The proper course, in your situation, is to find and use a scratching place that is hidden from their view. What they can't see can't upset them.

Myself, I prefer the upper reaches of an antique walnut table leg way up underneath the drop leaf. I can admire my ministrations to this table leg quite satisfactorily from my vantage point, but those hulking humans never notice it. True, there are telltale sprinklings of sawdust on the floor when I am done, but the humans just sweep them up and mutter about termites.

So, you see, my dear Clawless, it is quite possible to have manageable humans if one only uses one's head. I urge you to search out and employ a similarly suitable location for your own claw sharpening exercises.

Miss Moo